The Radical Manual

So I was looking through my xanga the other day and I noticed some good posts that I had, and since I have not managed to write anything even remotely acceptable for this new blog, I've decided to recycle the old posts here (with a few edits here and there).

Here's the first one:


Do you think you're a real liberal? Well, now we have a little manual to help you realize your dream of being the perfect ultra hardcore radical liberal. And here is it:

Every self-respecting liberal must pick 7 issues to support. Because we all know that nothing screams liberal like a bunch of unrelated and ineffectual causes half-heartedly championed by a group of "radicals".

The first 4 issues must be picked from the 12 MAJOR liberal causes:

[ ] black people
[ ] gays
[ ] war
[ ] abortion
[ ] latino people
[ ] political correctness (censorship)
[ ] gun control
[ ] Bush (yes, that's right, hating Bush has somehow become a liberal cause of its own)
[ ] genocide in [who the fuck cares]
[ ] Palestine
[ ] environmentalism
[ ] death penalty

Now, this may seem like a bit too much for the average "radical" liberal to handle, but I can give you some help. Here are a couple of reminders to help lighten the load:

For black people, you really don't have to do anything (notice how it just says black people, not black rights or other such nonsense), all you need to do is talk about their oppression and how awful it is. If you really want, you can bring up affirmative action or even (*gasp*) reparations.

Gays are even easier! Two words: gay marriage. Also, don't ever forget the breathtaking struggle of Matthew Sheppard (RIP 1976-1998).

War is kind of tricky. On the one hand, you have to hope that there are enough wars for you to frequently be able to scream such nice catchphrases as "No blood for oil!" and "BOOKS NOT BOMBS!" but on the other hand you don't want too many wars. If there are, you'll prolly have to put in too much effort, and we all know that blows.

Abortion is probably the easiest. I mean, it's already legal! Nuff sed.

Now, Latino people are probably the hardest to deal with. I'd steer away from them completely.

Political Correctness is easy and fun. Just yell at anyone who says anything that you disagree with in any way. Calling them racist, ignorant, or just plain old stupid always works. Key words to look out for: nigger, fag, dyke, spic, chink, fat, primitive, ugly, black, short, indian, native american, american indian, pretty much whenever anyone refers to a native american, and chair.

If guns didn't exist, people would have absolutely no way to kill each other.

Bush is by far the most important liberal issue in the past 200 years. If you don't hate him, you are evil. Or at least an ignorant redneck. A couple things to remember: he's really stupid (I mean, he did get bad grades and he's not a very good public speaker) and if Kerry was elected instead of him, we would now be in a 700 year reign of peace and happiness, the streets would be made of gold, and we would all jizz champaign.

Genocide is wrong unless the country the US is invading is doing it. I mean, you really wouldn't want to be against something the United States government is also against. Ugh!

You might as well just forget Palestine altogether. I mean, what with the constant accusations of being anti-semetic, the extreme distance of Palestine, and the fact that the struggle is clearly never going to end, Palestine is clearly a lost cause. Of course if you happen to be arab or are frequently accused of being arab, then you're pretty much stuck with this issue.

Evironmentalism is simple. If you're a hippie, then choose this issue. If you're not a hippie, then don't.

Abolish the racist death penalty!

Just remember: If all else fails, put a bumper sticker on your car. If you wanna be really crazy, put two or even more. Common choices are Keryy '04, a rainbow or equal sign sticker, a peace sticker, or a picture of a tree with a circle of (multicultural) kids holding hands around it.

Now you have to pick 3 obscure or unpopular causes to prove you're a true liberal, not just some mainstream conformist. These are perhaps the most important issues, because they prove that you live by your own standards, and you don't rely on other people to determine how you live you or what you do. Here are you choices:

[ ] save some endangered species (not the bald eagle)
[ ] DC Statehood (a must if you live in DC)
[ ] prisons
[ ] WTO/IMF/World Bank (Package Deal!)
[ ] legalize weed (but rememember, only weed)
[ ] third party (cuz that's all we need for the USA to be perfect)
[ ] animal rights (that's different from endangered species)
[ ] communism (Yes, i know communism is a complex political and economic system that takes into account many different ideas and theories, and cannot simply be treated as an inconsequential issue, but that really shouldn't matter to you. Just tell people you're communist)
[ ] fast food restuarants

For these, all you really have to do is join some organization that focuses on these issues, and let it do the thinking for you. You can really just pick your choices out of a hat for this section.

What's that, you say? Nothing about taxes, welfare, the minimum wage, and other economic regulation? That's the beauty of being an extreme liberal "radical". You don't have to care about that shit!!! With this helpful manual that you have just read, you can have no actual effects on standards of living (or really on anything at all) and still be hailed as a progressive thinker!

Well, now that you're done perfecting your degree of liberalness, you may go off into the world and not change it. I'll see you at the next rally.